Each pair has a concept of commitment. The definition does
not include events like live together, introduce parents or have children,
although all these things can be part of the way to commit a couple. But why are
we so afraid of?
Commitment is the promise of link between; in this case, a couple implies an
intention to work towards being together and involves certain obligations and
sacrifices to achieve that goal that both partners want.
Causes of Fear of Commitment
The concept we include the word fear, we are not talking about someone who does
not want to commit to a particular person simply because they feel that the
relationship is worth, we talk about a fear that makes circumstances which may
involve to avoid commitment. This fear can come derived from other fears that
probably affect different aspects of your life, not just sentimental.
- Fear of Change
Sharing your life with a partner means giving up a lot to also win him/her.
Obviously it means a change in our lives, in our objectives and priorities. The
inability to adapt to change more often than we think, get out of our comfort
zone; what we know always gives vertigo but the difference is overcome and go
for it or stand still with the intention of preserving what we already have and
the risk of not living better.
- Fear of Success
Some people know they go a step further in their relationship which will
improve their lives, they are able to list all the benefits that have but cannot
decide. This may be because we do not feel worthy of that success or perhaps,
more frequently, do not know if we can co-operate and maintain the relationship
over time. We prefer to stay with our current situation and not have much to
lose.
- Fear of Failure
The fear of failure paralyzes us. This is very common but we must first learn
to overcome this, it is not always necessary we meet the same wall again. It is
true that we may fail in the sentimental theme and elsewhere, but it is
necessary for success and failure. Learning and renewal is the key to being
happy. The commitment does not mean failure, means progress, and although the
relationship would eventually not work without being a failure.
- Excess Control
When we are alone we live in our area of comfort and safety. We can be more
or less satisfied with our lives but we control the elements that compose it.
We can choose when to do things and manage our time (counting clear with
different duties and satisfaction of basic needs), we do not have to answer to
anyone since we became independent from our parents, and we spend our leisure
time as we please. Committing to a relationship, whether couples, work or
family many of these decisions are not that we alone can control it 100%. All
these elements come into place because there are more people involved.
Obviously this has many advantages but if it costs you assign or losing control
over aspects of your life can cost commitment.
- Facing the Fear of Commitment
The first step is to assume that suffer a fear of commitment and want to
overcome it. This seems so simple, it is not because generally we will excuse a
thousand reasons or we'll hold on to that lack of commitment is part of our
identity and we should not change it.
Once accepted that we do not compromise for fear we can finally talk about
solving the problem. We will reflect on how we face what we fear in general,
such as we have experienced situations we feared as an exam or a job interview.
Did we fled the scene and did not present ourselves? Did we put in the balance
the possible potential gains and losses and thereby make a decision? Did we
launch without thinking of the consequences? If we consider how to deal with
other fears is different from the fear of commitment it is time to consider
what the differences are.
Another topic of reflection as we face situations of frustration is what
happens despite our efforts when things do not go as they should? Working
security in ourselves and creating tools that we can use to manage frustration
will have more resources and we feel more confident when facing situations that
could go wrong.
The most important part of the relationship is to overcome the fear of
commitment by communicating with your partner. Understand that your partner
does not know what’s going through your head and can feel terribly rejected and
hurt because we do not undertake. We may find difficult to express the nature
of our fears, which is what we fear and why, if this occurs it is often easier
to put it in writing and then verbalize. It is very important that both the partners
express their fears and expectations, because, you know might be even your
partner is also afraid.
It is like much to
lose and everything to gain.
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